Where the Flippant Writhe
by UncleMeg
Summary: Recently I realized something: Hercules would have been a thousand times better if it were less about Hercules and R&B and more about Hades and Megara (two of the most underrated Disney characters ever created in my opinion). So I decided why not give them their own story? Here's to them! And may the Disney Gods have misery on my soul! (Eventual Ariel appearance)
1. The (Great) Divorce

Chapter One: The (Great) Divorce

Sitting on a throne comprised of crystalized volcanic ash from a billion-year-old eruption, Hades, the dreaded ruler of souls, fearsome deity mortals dare not speak his name, was holding his head up with his mighty blue-skinned fist as he watched his wife rant and rave about whatever mistake he had made that day.

He let out a heavy but inaudible sigh as he half listened to her diatribes:

"—YOU NEVER…I'M SO SICK OFF…YOU ALWAYS DO THIS TO ME…"

So forth, litany after litany of reasons why being the respected queen of one of the largest domains in the universe was making her miserable:

"I COULD HAVE MARRIED APOLLO! I COULD BE VACATIONING IN MY OWN SUN SPOT RIGHT NOW! INSTEAD I HAD TO GET KIDNAPPED BY MY OWN UNCLE!" (In all fairness, Persephone did have a lot to deal with—her dad is her mom's brother and he was the same guy who signed off on her getting married to her uncle/ half-brother)

At this point though Persephone had run out of material to scream about so she just hurled an orb that one of the oracles gave them as a wedding gift against the wall. Hades, still listening but just barely, didn't even flinch. Instead he thought to himself, _wow she's got a good arm for a hippie chick_.

But none of his wife's good-naturedness could be found in her in that moment: Her golden hair, which he in a past life marveled at its striking resemblance to the sun's glow, was snarled from her harried movements, making her look as wild as a nymph. Her eyes, greener than spring time, flashed at him no desire or warmth but hatred. Her face, more perfect than marble, was twisted by rage. Even she, fair daughter of Demeter, was changed by this abject plane of existence.

Hades was so used to this one-sided lambast of his husbandry that when Persephone was finally done screaming and finally got to the point that she wanted to make…

"I'm leaving you."

…That he wasn't even shocked…

Persephone was still panting when she made this announcement and in the time it took for her to catch her breath, he still didn't react.

Was this stunned silence or apathy? She couldn't tell. Either way it enfuritated her even more.

"ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?"

Hades arched an eyebrow.

"DO YOU EVEN CARE?!" She bellowed, her shrill voice bouncing off of the skulls of mortals long, long dead.

It wasn't until the very last echo had faded into nothing that Hades got from his seat, glided over to his now ex-wife until he was just a few inches apart from her, placed a gentle hand on her back and purred,

"Oh darling, honey, sugar dove, turtle cane…I care. I cared for the first couple of milleniums I cared a whole lot. But," he travelled as he spoke, gently guiding her to the River Archaeon, "After you just get bitched at for years and years and years you tend to…how can I phrase this…not give a flying shit."

His abruptness garnered his a prompt slap across the face which he half-guessed would happen (still worth it). With that, Persephone grabbed her things and got herself into Charon's boat.

The skeleton employee looked at his employer mutiniously, begging him with his empty sockets to let him drown her in the river of wasps but Hades shook his head.

"Get her out of here." Said Hades simply.

Charon let out an audible sigh (which only prompted Persephone to re-up on her incessant bitching: " _I'M SO_ SORRY _MY_ SHATTERED PERSONAL LIFE AND _MY_ TRYING TO GET MY LIFE BACK TOGETHER IS AN INCONVIENCE TO YOU, CHARON!") Hades watched with a mixture of despair and bemusement as Charon oared his wife out of his life.


	2. You Hating On Hades' Blue?

**Author's note: To anybody that cares, I'm sorry I haven't added much to this story as of lately. I was caught up in my own writings. Anyway, hope this doesn't suck!**

Chapter Two: You Hating on Hades' Blue Skin? Cause That's Racist

Do you even know how long it's been since I've harvested a soul? Jesus-not-even-born-yet-Christ, that was before I was even married! And you know why I don't harvest souls often? Yep, yes, you got it: Peresphone.

Sure, history (mythology if you wanna be a jerk about it) is going to paint me as a big bad man with conversely the largest domain amongst the gods but still greedy enough to want to rule Olympus too but that's complete bull jizz. I am happy with my role in the cosmos. Hey, I'm the ruler of the Dead, I possess the kingdom to the freaking Underworld. My entire ruling class is filled with motherfuckers who literally cannot give a fuck ('give' being the optimal word. They can still very much fuck and that's just another example of why I am not the Supreme Dick Weed that every mythology book based series likes to paint me because who else would gladly let their sub servants enjoy coitous when they themselves haven't even received a kiss for 3,000 years?).

'Oh but Hades you were the God who forced poor Sisyphus to roll that boulder up an endless path of hills blah blah blah'—BITCH THAT WASN'T EVEN ME. That was Persephone's idea! Only a woman could imagine such a tedious yet ball-busting punishment. And even in her defense, Sisyphus was a fucked up man.

The man tried to kill his own brother and boned his own sister so she would sire him a son to ensure that he would inherit the title of king. I'm pretty sure he did a lot of other shady things but that was 14,000 years ago and I'm going off again.

Like I said it had been an exceedingly long time since someone was dumb enough to want to sell their soul to me…

Doesn't it always start off with someone young doing something stupid?

Somewhere a long-neglected temple off of the coast of a fantastic little river, stood a young woman who was prepared to do something stupid.

She huddled against her own self for she hadn't dressed for the sharp winds that billowed throughout the cave. Then again everything about her screamed haste and ill-preparation. This was a last minute idea, born out of a heart-breaking threat that was determined to demolish her from within. All she had with her was herself and this cup for libation.

She held a breath before saying to herself, "Oh what the hell."

And thus she tilt the cup and let the liquid pour into a votive pit, which she had made with her own sandal. She chanted out in a language that is dead to modernists, in a tongue that was wrinkled with heavy superstition and submissive dogma.

In her Greek, in the dialect she knew, she said one thing:

"Hades."

Hades felt so suddenly he confused it for his hip bursitis. He raised his voice to complain about it (because that's what you do when you get old, kids. You feel a random ache then you bitch about it unnecessarily) when he heard his name being called down to him, as if the dank underworld air were really an angelic summons.

Hades was in the River Lethe at the time, yakking it up with one of the stoniest of Stoics, Epicurus when he heard his name.

"Holy shit, Epi," Hades said nearly breathless. "Did you hear that? I mean, seriously, did you hear that or did I just have another nervous breakdown again?"

"No, no you definitely heard it." Epicurus replied, looking upward now with new-found curiosity. "It sounded like you're being worshipped."

"I know!" Hades said, dumbfounded. "What kind of schlep would worship me?"

Epicurus didn't say anything at first, for his was trying to listen. "Wait. I know that sound… It's the sound of mental anguish."

"You sure?"

"Of course I'm sure! I used to teach for Gods' sake!" Epicurus cried, offended.

"Well sor-freaking-ry. It's not my fault you philosophers are a dime a dozen down here." Hades replied, rolling his jaundice eyes.

Epicurus decidedly ignored the God's biting sarcasm. When he did turn his head to Hades it was to say with a know-it-all's confidence, "Hades—that's a lady's voice."

The ground didn't shake. The cave didn't quake or tremble or show any signs of incoming trepidation. The woman merely waited and waited until she was very nearly at the point screaming out an atheist's curse to insouciant Gods when a voice came from behind her:

"Zeus damnit! Epicurus was right."

The woman veered around in a startled flinch and froze with sanctimonious fear as the tempest presence in front of her complained some more.

"Great, just great. The ONE time I gamble. The ONE time. Now how the hell am I supposed to get Helen of Troy to—" Hades cut himself realizing his bitching had an audience. "Oh."

"Hades?" She said, more asking than saying and more praying than asking. In a louder tone, she inquired, "Are you the one that they call…Dis?"

"Sweetie, I am many things. Most of them great." (He waited for a laugh that never came) "But, yeah, yes, I am the one you summoned. Now I have come a great ways, so whatever your wants and needs be they better be good."

At first Megara stood there, unblinking and verbally useless.

"What?" Hades demanded.

"Nothing…You're—you're just so…blue."

Pause. "Are you hating on my blue?"

"NO! No!"

"Because I'll have you know in the next thousands of years comments like those are going to be racially insensitive and I will not stand for that kind of future-bigotry…"

"No-no-no! I wasn't—look I've never met a God before, alright?" The woman stammered. "I never even prayed before. I just—didn't know what to expect. I'm sorry."

Hades folded his arms at her until she added, "Blue's a wonderful color on you."

Though he pretended to care otherwise, Hades' rage was subdued.

"Yeah, yeah, just tell me what you need."

She didn't hesitate. "I need you to save the love of my life."

Hearing someone profess with such sincerity about love made Hades' soul puke. "Ugh. Pass."

He was already bored and made a motion indicating he was about to leave when courage surged into the young woman and she nearly sprinted in front of the God, as if her silly string physique could withstand the awesome energy that was Hades.

"No, no please we can work something out!" She begged.

"Plebe, please. You have nothing I want."

"I could work for you!"

"I already have minions. They're nothing special and their union is constantly on my ass about labor laws but you know what? They're mine and there's no way you are going to replace them."

"Hades please!" The woman pleaded, nearly choking at this point. She dropped to her knees, pressed the back of his hand against her nose and eyes and begged, "I would yield my soul for you."

Hades stood silently for a great time, from both the audacity of which she bespoke and from the unfamiliar warmth of another person's touch. It was in that time a pain that he didn't know laid dormant within broke and impulses and desires for his ex-wife washed over him like a depressed man's voluntary drowning.

How could it be? This mortal, this lowly unnamed peasant girl, made him feel empathy (fucking bitch).

Despite hating her for this lapse in cruelty, Hades did something uncommonly humane for her. He lowered himself to her position, thus making them at even levels, the entire time allowing his hand to be held and he looked the weeping maiden in the eyes and offered this axiom:

"Hey maiden? Free advice for a guy who just got dumped: Only love those who deserve your love."

Two lilac-colored eyes reflected endlessly inside Hades' eyes. He thought for certain he saw something change within that time. He assumed it was logic coming in to save the hopeless woman. But his expectations were broken as she came with up the conclusion:

"I don't care if he deserves me. Just spare him."

"Well, I tried." He said as he got to his feet. "Can't say I blame you, maiden. Hell I'm a sucker for romance myself. So," (he held out a pale blue hand) "What say you?"

"Grateful." She announced in a voice that no longer broken or desperate but rasped and oozed with anti-diffidence. She held her hand up and smiled. "I say I am endlessly grateful."

Hades rolled his eyes at the flattery (which he shouldn't have because nobody tries to flatter his blue ass) before sliding his palm into hers and clasping down with finality, announcing:

"I, Hades, agree to spare the life of…"

"Megara's…"

"Megara's boyfriend in exchange for her immortal soul which I shall collect…eh…" He snapped his free hand and a calendar appeared. Studying it, he asked her, "Is Tuesday good for you?"

"Tuesday!? I thought this was one of those 'do not collect until death' deals?"

Hades rolled his eyes. " _Fine…_ " (He snapped his fingers again and the floating calendar disappeared) "Which I will collect on Megara's death…or in the event that Megara and said boyfriend decided to split up."

"Split up?" Megara chuckled, unfazed by his bitterness. "I thought you were a romantic."

"No I said I like romance. Doesn't mean I believe in it."

Megara scoffed underneath her breath but didn't recede her hand. Instead, she shook it vigorously as a tempest glow ignited by their oath and as it took a full four seconds to dissipate Megara didn't stop smiling. For she was certain and wealthy with love, thus all that was wrong beforehand are gone and she was besotted again with the delusions of immortality and passions.

When they finally let go, Megara smiled at Hades and thanked him. She even run up to hug the deity but Hades rebuked her.

"Whoa!" He let out in alarm, as he blocked her advances. "Don't hug me. You're 20, I'm 20 billion and that's creepy."

"You truly are a just and fair God." Megara said, mesmerized.

Hades waved his hand at her dismissively. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just keep that in mind when I come back for collection."

"I won't." She professed.

Hades nodded in acknowledgment to her exalts before dissolving within himself into smoke and travelling out of the cave. Megara screamed after him, "Praise you Hades!"

With that, Megara left the cave and did so running (because Greeks are obsessed with running for whatever reason). For she wanted nothing, nothing more, than to find her lover and celebrate his health.


	3. Epicurus Gonna Cure Your Crazy

**Author's Note: EPICURUS IS MY MANNNNNN**

Chapter Three: Epicurus Is Gonna Cure Your Crazy

Alas, the jubilation didn't last long. For Hades' warning came true and revealed to her far too late that he, the lover of her life, did not deserve her.

Worse than worse, it took him all of three weeks of good health to show this to Megara. The good part of this story is, while Megara sat in a dank little boat lead by a skeletal psychopomp/ boating enthusiast being dragged further and further away from the earth's core, Adonis was getting his intestines skewed by the tusks of a wild boar sent by jealous Artemis. Had he just remained faithful to Megara, he would have lived to see another twenty years. "But he was a douchebag and thus he dead", so sayeth the cosmos.

None of this mattered to her then. What is karma to someone who was punished for loving too hard? What is justice to someone who is being punished for altruism? What is fair to the betrayed, who now sat in an uncomfortable boat while her insides were being boiled alive and her stomach ached from heartbreak and every impulse every hope and want now was to lay down on the ground and humbly wait to turn into dust?

Though she felt all of this, her face was vacant and deprived of desire. She had the vacant stares of a creature who wanted nothing, asked for nothing, and at best dreamt of nothing.

She was comparatively calm that Hades confused it for strength.

"You know I gotta say, you are taking this _really_ well." He remarked at some point into their journey down the River Styx. Seeing Megara's dour stares, he went on to say, "I mean really. You lost your life, you lost your home, you lost your freedom friends family—your immortal soul and you're not even crying about it!" (She shot him a look that he saw now were brimming with tears) "Well, not crying _a lot_ about it anyway."

Megara rolled her eyes, dabbed at the corners, took a few sniffles and tried to tamp down the painful rise in her core that threatened to throw herself over board. She turned her attention to Charon who, without a shred of muscle mass, was able to row a three person boat with athletic ease. She watched him for some time as she tried to inhale and exhale in signatures.

As the boat glided down a dank, sulfuric river, an almost magnetic pull against her skin warned her not to go down it further. It shot down into her nerves alerting her that this was a devoid realm, a place that existed only in the wet dreams of nihilists, an insipid cave-like existence where hopelessness roared and the inevitability of death was nigh. Going down this river, in this boat, with these creatures, went against all primal instincts—like suicide or eating Thai.

Welcome home, she thought.

"Welcome to the Underworld!" Hades announced with uncanny timing.

Seeing a man drowning his wasps and fire ants, Megara nervously asked, "Is this where I'll be staying?"

"What? Na, this is just the main river. You're going to be here for a while so I figured I'd waste the first day giving you the grand tour." Hades replied with the same excitement a new-homeowner possesses when they finally have guests. "As you could guess, this…" (he paused for good drama) "Is the River Styx. The largest river in the known universe!"

"It makes your Amazonian River look like a piss stream." Charon's guttural voice croaked out from up front.

"Yeah, real, real charming Char," Hades said, rolling his eyes.

Megara didn't laugh but she recognized a fellow sarcastic asshole in the skeleton and felt a kinship. As Hades went on, she asked him discreetly, "How long does this thing usually take?"

Charon whispered from the side of his lipless mouth, "An hour."

Megara let out a soft sigh. She looked back to see the blue god hadn't ceased speaking. The dead part of her, the one that was murdered by careless infidelity, spent the better part of five minutes listening to Hades' drone on and on before temerity cut him off and said:

"Man you talk a lot."

Charon lost it in that moment. He broke out of his rowing routine just to bend over and wheeze out this putrid guffaw that scraped against his ribcage and made him weak.

"She sure got you pegged, boss!" He roared.

Needless to say, the God of talking too much didn't find it amusing. Hades' entire countenance grew dark and his lips twitched with disrespect. He shot a look at the woman whose same eyes waited for his gaze, already set upon him with reckless daring. The recklessness of a person who wants to die.

Hades had the awareness to recognize this and thus, while still greatly agitated, he snapped his fingers at Charon and ordered,

"River Lethe, Char." Looking at Megara he sneered, "Tour on your own time."

Charon obeyed and within an Earth minute they had arrived onto a separate but equally rank river.

Megara watched with numb interest as they made their way west, the aesthetics of the Underworld lost within her dreg heart and bonded soul.

Off the coast of the River Lethe—a river that streamed not water or flames or pain but forgetfulness (to ensure no one dead, half-dead or alive would know where Hades lies)—stood a powerful fortress cleft from the rock of ageless ages. It was a dense, unwelcoming base that held no windows, no doors, just a single entrance which bore three pillars, each forged from the solidified magma of an underground volcano that made the one sitting in Yellowstone look like a dormant burp. Look closer and you would see evidence that each pillar contained the disintegrated bodies of a hundred species, species extinct before man was even conceived.

At some point Charon pulled his oar from the mucky waters and allowed his boat to skid gently into a clay and dirt soaked shoreline. He stood when they touched soil and motioned for Megara to exist first.

Megara dug into his pockets to retrieve the customary tip when Hades spoke for the first time since her flippant comment,

"Slaves don't have to pay him."

Megara understood this was supposed to spite her (and it did) but she nonetheless handed the skeleton a coin anyway and said to him,

"Thanks boss man."

Charon gave her an acknowledging nod as she stepped onto land. When Hades reached him, Charon gave him a bony smile.

"Bye boss man."

"Shut up."

Hades stepped on land and walked without waiting. Megara followed but took a few pauses to watch the skeleton man and his little boat get smaller and smaller away from him until the lightless density of the Underworld overcame and turned him invisible.

For whatever reason, this depressed her greatly. Nonetheless she picked up her step and followed his new master down volcanic-made hallways.

"This is your's." Hades stated once he stopped in front of meager gray and white pillars with a dour just barely above her own height.

Megara stared at the door for a little bit when she felt Hades' robes whip a wind at her sandaled feet and she saw he was leaving.

"Wait." She called out to him. When he stopped and turned to her she asked, "What am I supposed to do?"

Hades cocked an eyebrow at the poorly worded question. "Most people use their bedrooms to sleep."

"I meant, what is my purpose down here now? What are my tasks? What am I to do with myself now that I am your slave?"

"Purpose?" Hades echoed, slightly alarmed and amused. "Meg, Meg, Meg. You're a slave now. Your purpose is to be owned, to do wait for orders and to not make smartass comments about me to my staff. By the way, pull that stunt again and I'll assign you as Cerberus' new chew toy."

The look of fear, anxiety, self-loathing and unmitigated despair was teeming in Megara's eyes and the terrible part in Hades (the part that was too murdered by someone else's indifference) savored it like a greasy food on hangover morning.

He bade goodnight and smiled like a jackass as he dissolved himself into foam and floated away from Megara and her unyielding heartbreak.

How he missed striking fear and dread into the hearts of humans.

He would pay for his bastardly predilections anon for that following day.

It was barely noon into the following day Pain and Panic came hobbling in the dusty roads, frantic and calling for his help.

"What's wrong?!"

"There's—there's a woman—she's beating up a tree!" they stuttered.

It wasn't hard to find her. There was only one tree in the entire Lower Kingdom just before the entrance of the underworld where the souls must first pass by Cerberus, and there, sprung from a small patch of sun-deprived soil, grew a shadowy elm with two sets of trunks and a neglected frenzy of branches and leaves. That and the unremitting thwacking noises lead them to her and there she was; hurling rocks at a tree in a nearby forest. He noticed how the entire area of which she stood on was had been robbed of their rocks.

He also noticed that she had an audience.

"Epi?"

There stood Epicurus, his entire right side propped up by a cane, watching Megara's psyche shatter with a vague interest.

"Oh hello Hades. Pain. Panic." He greeted casually. "Interesting day to be dead!"

"How long has she been doing this?"

"Maybe for a couple hours."

She looked like she been standing there for hours, hurling rocks angrily at her victim, a tall thick oak tree. The tree had piles of rocks on all its side and its bark was desecrated.

"Who's the pissed off skirt?" Pain asked Hades.

With a sigh he explained, "That's Megara. Our new addition to the Underworld Kingdom."

"That's the mentally anguished female?" Epicurus asked, slightly amused.

"Yep."

This gave pause to disbelief for Epicurus, Pain and Panic who continued to watch Megara's mental breakdown unfold with a distance curiosity.

"What she got against trees?" Panic asked blankly.

"Yeah!" Pain cried out, offended by the maiden's disrespect towards foliage. To Megara he berated, "Trees only give you oxygen to breathe, you ungrateful wench!"

Hades sighed. "No. She's just having a shitty time because the love of her life left her for another woman and now she sold her soul to me for nothing. It's fine. I'll take care of it now."

Pain hesitated. "Are you sure?"

He watched Megara's maniac state continued without subduing, despite her blood shot eyes that revealed she had been doing this pointless destruction against fatigue.

"Yeah…" He said with unconvincing sigh. "I got this."

Pain and Panic watched her throw one more rock before leaving Hades to do what behooved him.

Epicurus didn't leave though, his giant gray eyes seemingly locked onto the scene. Hades looked to him with confusing until Epicurus motioned him with his cane to go ahead.

Letting out another long, tired sigh, Hades crouched onto the ground, bending his knees inward and sat cross-legged, waiting for his Hellfire sister to burn out. It took quite a while. But alas patience gave him a break. She reached down and found out in outrage she ran out of rocks to throw. When she found herself inconvenienced at the lack of rocks directly underneath her feet, she turned restless rage onto her shoes and launched them at the tree one by one. When her shoes were gone, she was still not satisfied and that is when she flung her body onto the tree. She took two hands that strained into a claw-like form and began savagely ripping the bark off like simple wallpaper.

Hades and Epicurus gazed in terrified awe as this thin and physically unremarkable woman tore open tree's guts out with her bare hands, continuing in spite of the splinters that stabbed the thousands of nerve endings on the fingers and not stopping even when she bled. Or when the fluids made the bark slippery. Or when stupid bugs being projected from their home were getting stuck to her flesh and clothes. Why would she care? She didn't have goals anymore. Gripped with consuming, almost medieval rage, something or someone's ass had to be kicked and nature had that metaphorical ass.

Finally, exhaustion came and suddenly she was breathing hard. She bent down as if she lost her balance and she just crumpled onto the ground. From the short seconds it took Hades to walk over to her, she went from heavy breathing to just lying there, staring at the sky.

"Are you done beating up a tree?"

Megara's face churned into a hideous glare and she looked close to cursing Hades out but then her mouth opened and Hades watched all at once as everything she tried to hold down fell apart. She rolled onto her side and came to weeping.

She wept with entirety, until her bones were sore, until her core seized and shattered, until her throat was torn and even then she managed to croak out a hauntingly regrettable:

"I loved him so…"

Even Hades, great heartless unyielding Hades, fight pity bite the inside of his eyes and he felt immensely sorry for the young woman. He wanted to open his mouth and offer solidarity, confess to his own painful romances when another voice came from behind him:

"And that is why you suffer so."

Though bespoken with softness, the bluntness of the statement was enough to Megara's fury to resurge and she was able to leap from the ground, storm over to the crippled thinker and shouted at him:

"Typical man mentality! A woman could give her life to you and it is still her fault because she loved too whole-heartedly! Is that how you see me? As a wretched female too whose hamartia was that she cared for another? Who the hell are you to say…"

Epicurus smiled in spite of her rage and said calmly, "I am nobody. I am just a dead man in a dead man's land. I am nothing anymore. All I know is I don't think love is a weakness at all. I think loving too much is the cause of pain."

His leveled tone and gentle words had an unusual in pact of the hysterical maiden. Somehow her wild grief had ebbed and she was able to ask in a tearfully but still even voice:

"You think I loved him too much and that's why he left me?"

"Not at all. I just believe the root of suffering is too much of anything. You loved this man so much that you sacrificed your being over all else. That speaks volumes of your character, sweet maiden. But it doesn't change the fact that because of how much you loved, it ultimately lead you to suffering."

Megara followed what he said but cried nonetheless.

"How was I supposed to know you can't love too much?" She sobbed. "I'm Greek for Zeus' sake! We're emotional people!"

"Oh you sweet summer time wine, it's a lesson many of us have to learn the hard way." Epicurus cooed and while Megara took time to cry, the dead man's eyes wandered over to Hades, who had been hanging onto his every word and he added, "But there is wisdom in suffering."

At the same time, Hades and Megara asked, "How?"

"Is that all I have to look forward to?" Megara asked, for she didn't hear Hades' pain over her own. "To be heartbroken but a little bit smarter?"

"Pretty much." Epicurus replied. "Why do you think writers and philosophers have the worst love lives?"

Megara let out a noise that was a garbled mess of impatience, pain, and ironic humor. "You got me there."

Epicurus smiled at her before placing a platonic hand onto her shoulder.

"Oh my little grapevine, sooth thy self and rejoice for you'll have plenty of time to reflect and grow wiser down in the Underworld."

Megara tried returning the smile but it ended up faltering.

"You're a terrible teacher."

Epicurus let out a whole-hearted laugh. "So I've heard, so I've heard!" He said as he and his cane trekked back to the bowels of Hades.

Megara watched him limp away for a few moments before turning to Hades with a sheepish look of guilt spread across his tear-stained face.

"Uh, I'm deeply sorry about your…tree."

Hades looked over his shoulder to the raped foliage and shrugged. "Eh, don't worry about it. It was a wedding gift anyway."

For an awkward moment Megara said nothing, unless of what to say. She remembered suddenly of his heed and felt greatly saddened by her arrogance. She should have recognized his warning as wisdom.

"What kind of idiot gives talking trees as a wedding gift is beyond me…" Hades continued on, his voice strange.

"Want me to take care of the mess?"

"No, no," he said with a heavy sigh. Turning away from it, he jerked his head forward and commanded, "Come on, you little nutmeg."


	4. Hades, Bored

After Hades got Hippocrates to heal Megara's tree-fighting injuries, he decided her useless for the rest of the day and lead her back to the side of the Underworld where her bed laid. During their trip through the barren black, ubiquitous landscape, Hades heard the unmistakeable sound of a body hitting the ground. Sure enough when he turned he found Megara, supine on top of a patch of dusty minerals.

He sighed. "Fucking Hippocrates. I knew I should have gotten a doctor that wasn't so obsessed with bile." Grudgingly, Hades scooped up the mortal who weighed less than a wet tunic and carried her the rest of the way.

With a vulnerable hottie warm within his arms, Hades felt slimy and, worse of all, clichéd. But he dealt with it because it was well established, in his opinion, that the Fates liked to fuck with him.

He was able to make it to Megara's bedroom in no time (get it? Because there is no concept of time in Hades. Because everything's dead, including time. Get it?) He didn't say it out loud but when he was putting her to bed he thought to himself, "Sleep it off kid. Gaia only knows how much sleep you'll need to stave off heartbreak and crazy."

He left for his throne room where Pain and Panic flocked to him like ravenous seagulls:

Pain: "Is she dead?"

Panic: "Did she try to kill herself?"

Pain: "Can you kill yourself down here?"

Panic: "If you do in the land of the dead does that result in a double death complex where it ultimately equates to a negative times a negative and thus becomes a positive making her alive again?"

Hades and Pain joined together to stare at Panic uncomfortably until he lowered his head in shame and dropped the inane question.

With a wave of his hands and an abrupt sigh, Hades answered, "No. No to all of your questions. The mortal's just fine. She'll be back tomorrow to being a slave the minute her body replenishes all the lost blood."

After that, Hades stalked away, leaving Pain to turn to Panic and confront him.

"Have you been hanging out with those philosopher jerks again?"

"Well at least they want to have stimulating conversations." Panic said stiffly.

"Stimulating? What's so stimulating about a bunch of jerks who sit around questioning why they're questioning everything?"

"Stop calling them jerks! That word isn't even a word yet!"

"Make me, bitch!"

Hades could hear the sounds of their pathetic fighting and yet was wholeheartedly unamused. And knowing that depressed him.

Lately, all reflective thoughts he had of himself where just an image of him, in his throne with his fist to his chin, looking bored and feeling boring, just as he was doing now.

He guessed he was feeling depression but nothing about his life in that moment was giving him reason to be depressed. In fact, his life rocked right now:

His estranged-wife of a billion years had finally left him, which at first sucked but now only sucked slightly because let's face it while getting rejected sucks at least now he wasn't miserably married and full of regret.

Zeus hadn't stuck his dick in anything lately which was great family-wise because all of Hades' headaches and drama stemmed from that and work-wise kept made his life easier because Hera slaughtering thousands in a jealous rage after another one of Zeus' infidelities was half his work load.

For the first time in a long time Hades went a day without thinking about turning into a mortal just he could kill himself and ironically enough he was depressed as hell about it.

With just Cerberus and his minions now, Hades feared the problem was boredom. The foundation to 90 percent of his day (drama, chaos and death) was gone. Not even Megara's 10 minute mental breakdown was enough to fill the void he felt slowly pulverizing his soul into ruin.

Hades had only eternity and when you have an eternity of nothing to fill it, that's a very real problem to have.

Within two minutes of sitting in his throne, his fist on top of his chin, bored as ever, did Hades come to the conclusion:

"Screw this." He said aloud. "I'm going to go do make some evil schemes."


	5. Don't Stop the Plot

**Author's Note: This chapter was inspired by an Edgar Allan Poe quote, a personal favorite: "She look'd into infinity-and knelt"**

Megara was given nine hours (Earth time) to recover from massive blood loss and insane amount of heartbreak, isolation and betrayal before Hades barged back into her room, stole her blanket, swung it into a rattail and sent the loudest rattail snap in unrecorded history directly into her ear.

Startled by the noise, she screamed before she even woke up. When she woke up to see Hades standing over her bed, she screamed even louder.

"Oh Gods! Please! Don't hurt me!"

"Oh Geez." He grumbled upon seeing her violently weep. Louder, he explained, "Mortal! I am—not—here—to—hurt and or rape you. Jesus-not-even-born-yet-Christ!"

Sniff. "Really?"

"Yes! Really! Geez! You mortal women are all the same! Barge into a room, unannounced, and abruptly yank them out of a heavy sleep and suddenly everyone's a rapist!"

Megara quickly dried her tears and began apologetically, "I'm sorry Hades…I just assumed, since…"

"What?" Hades snapped. "You think that because my brothers can't walk a kilometer without getting their dicks wet that I must be a rapist too?"

"Well," Megara began sheepishly, "Yeah…That and I did just sell my soul to you. In my defense it's not like I know very much about what you're going to do to said soul. Or…fleshly vessel of said soul."

"Hm. Fair point." Hades replied with a shrug, tossing Megara her blanket back. "Well, get up. We're going to discuss your job requirements."

"'Job'? I thought you said I was a slave."

"Eh 'job requirements' 'slave duties'. Either way, get your definitive ass up and ready for some action." Hades commanded. "Might as well put some of that crazy energy to get use."

Megara never considered herself an intelligent person (and given current circumstances many would confirm said statement) but even after listening to Hades' plan, twice, she felt all of her mental acuity slip off of her like snow from a spring-come cliff.

"Wait—so—wait…..what?" she stammered.

"How is this so hard to understand? I'm…"

"You're going to overthrow Zeus."

"Yes!"

"Zeus?"

"Yes, Zeus. My brother."

"Your brother, Zeus. The guy who cut his way out of your father's stomach and then kicked all the Titans asses, assuming they even had asses—" (They do not) "And stole their own domain from right under them. Zeus; who now fathers 3 gods and goddesses, a dozen demi-gods and 50 percent of the population Lebanon. That Zeus?"

Hades' demeanor didn't change imposed by these facts. "So…you've heard of him."

Megara balked. "Yes. I have heard of him."

"Then what's so hard to understand?" Hades deadpanned.

Megara managed to balk even harder than previously stated as she went on to say, "Do you even hear yourself right now? You can't just go the House of Fucking Zeus and say 'hey babe. This is mine now. Okay?'"

"Why not! We're Greek. It's what we do!"

"Yeah and we suck at it!" Megara retorts. "Greeks suck at fighting! Why do you think our wars take so fricking long?"

"Hm, fair enough." Hades replied. "But I'm still going to do it."

"Why?!" Megara blurts out. "What happens if you lose? What then?!"

"Well, it's not like I'll die or anything."

Megara paused. "Huh. Fair enough."

"Plus, Meg, I know you're new around here but it gets so, so, so…o boring down here. I mean, excoriatingly boring down here. I'd rather pick a fight, lose and be hated for another thousand millennial than keep the peace and be bored out of my non-existent skull."

Another longer pause. "It's that bad down here?" She asks whispering.

Hades waves one long baby blue arm to the left of him where Megara can see, plain as day, Pain and Panic, with money in their hands, cheering on two preforming drops of subterranean water to drip from a nearby stalagmite.

"YOU GOT THIS LEFTIE! YOU GOT THIS LEFTIE!"

"C'MON DRIPPY! DRIPPY DRIPPY DROP ALREADY!"

Their chanting continued for another four seconds before a droplet descended onto the barren Underworld floor, making one euphoric, the other embittered before the joy and bitterness was gone and the pair of them collapsed onto the ground resuming their lethargy.

"See? They had one minute of something to do and that wasn't enough to keep them from succumbing to existential doom." Hades explained. "Eternity's a long ass time to be bored, Meg. Which is why you can either keep poking holes in my poorly planned scheme and spend the next couple hundred thousand years so bored you'll end up stabbing yourself in the neck just for the exciting relief of Death—or…you can help me. And maybe give me, them and you something to do for the next year or two."

In the corner of her eye, she could see Pain gnawing on Panic's arms absentmindedly as the demon lays there and bashes his head into a nearby rock. Eternity didn't become a reality to her until just then and now, standing in front of its continual barren and bleak void, she knelt.


	6. Just Do Your Job

Chapter Six: Do Your Job and Don't Bitch About It

Megara found out quick she wasn't fit to work in the Alliances Axis and after too many false starts, she told him so.

Coming back from a particularly nasty encounter with Medusa, bruised from getting stones thrown at her, she confronted Hades and stated,

"I want a different job."

"What's wrong with being a field agent?" Hades replied, too occupied with his strategy board to look up at the young maiden.

She snapped her fingers at him and when he turned his head to see her battered and with hair full of pebbles, he grimaced. "What the hell happened to you? I thought I sent you to Medusa."

"You did. But you know how everything says she turns to you to stone? Well that's a load of crap because I learned firsthand she can't turn people into anything but she's got the best aim I've ever seen and a never-ending pile of 'get the fuck out of my cave'."

Hades let out an exasperated groan. "See, this, this is a classic example at miscommunication." He snapped his fingers and a potion bottle appeared floating in front of her. "Drink that."

"Why? Is this going to be something that it shouldn't be too?" Megara replied sarcastically.

"Shut up and drink it. It's a healing potion." Hades said before he let out another sigh of consternation. "I hate scheming. Nothing is ever simple."

"Seriously," Megara agreed after she bottled down the liquid and felt the clumped up blot clots starting to no longer ache. "I don't want to recruit people anymore."

"Well," Hades sighed, "You can't sit around here being useless for eternity. That was part of the deal."

"I know." said Meg. "That's why I wanna sit around here and help people down here instead."

"Who are you going to help?" Hades scoffed.

"The dead."

"Them? Those assholes already have it made! They've got no suffering, no heartbreak, no starvation or war. What could the dead possibly need help with?"

"I don't know!" Meg cried. "But I'd rather do that than get harassed by river guardians and beat up by Gordons. I wanna help people Hades."

Hades heard the longing in her voice and he felt what she was trying to say. Of course she, who gave up so much for someone else, wants to help others. That's when he got an idea. Standing up from his strategy board, he said to her,

"You wanna help someone? You can help me." 

"Okay, this is the River Lethe," Hades announced, as Charon eased them through the perennial drab waters, the same olive color, smell and dynamic of dirty bong water. "Also known as the River of Forgetfulness.

Just as she asked, Charon held up his oar and carefully pulled it inward to allow the boat to coast. They were carried along by steady currents like an inflatable tube taking a sunburnt grandma down the Lazy River, when through an evanescent light provincial to bayous and corpse-laden marshes, Megara saw they were being brought to a cul-de-sac of water. At both ends of the body of water was land consisting entirely of the dead, all standing in near-perfect lines.

"The River Lethe is more valuable to me and more badass than all the other rivers combined. You know why people used to get baptized in lakes and rivers? It's because of the River Lethe," Hades was saying as they reached a small plateau where the two lines of souls opposed each other, separated by an above-ground pool; mere feet from where they stood, this was the Pool of Lethe.

"In the underworld—" (Hades never called his kingdom Hades in order to prevent people from assuming he was one of those jerks who spoke in the third person) "—it gets so overcrowded, that in February, March, August and September, we erase a couple of thousand souls so they can be reincarnated and sent back on Earth to make room for new souls. We push them into the Pool of Lethe, the harpies dry them off so none of the excess travels back on Earth, and thus they are reborn."

Silently Megara watched a handful of souls being taken through the process. It was comical to watch the souls of those who probably found this existence nightmarish enough, get to the edge of the pool where apprehension streaked their faces to the point where the harpies had to intervene, grip them with their talons and push them in. It happened every time, no matter the person: from the peasant to the priest to a heavily abused Iphigenia—each wanting nothing to do with their new destinies, but preferring instead to stick to a miserable, predictable death than inure life again.

Megara was so awe-struck by the procession that she almost didn't hear Hades voice when he instructed her of her new task.

"…Which is why I want you to go through the list of people, cross of the ones that we just pushed into the pool and make sure they get through to the other side. Trust me the last thing we need is more dumb people around here with their head up their asses…"

At the end of this speech, Hades hands her a scroll and some kohl. Megara looks down at the items in her hands and asks,

"How is this helping people?"

"Can't you just ever do your job without having to bitch about it?"


	7. Dead Heads and Red Heads

Almost everything that is done daily is going to reel into periods of ass-numbing boringness and to Megara's surprise this included working in the Underworld. For what felt like years, her duties at the edge of the River Lethe included calling someone's name, watching said person walk to the edge of the pool, sometimes pushing the dead person into the pool so that they can be washed of their previous life and all it's memories, crossing off the name on her clipboard and repeat. It was on those days that Megara prayed for Hades' schemes to begin already so that she could watch the worlds burn for nothing else than for something to do.

Of course things change from day to day and on this day instead of looking over to find the vacant body of an amnesiac Spartan warrior, Megara found the upturned body of a siren floating in the Pool of Lethe.

"What the—Pain! Do you see this shit?"

Pain and Panic, whom dragged the vacant vessels out of the waters in order for their souls to be reincarnation, peered over into the murky waters of Lethe stared at the siren's unmoving body for a few moments before confirming, "Yep. We see it."

For a moment all any of them did was stare, flabbergasted.

"Is—is that a siren?"

"Looks like it." Panic said plaintively.

"T-those exist?" Megara stammered.

"No shit they exist." Pain jeered. "Where do you think waves come from?"

"I dunno, ocean currents?"

Pain scoffed. "You would think that, mortal. No, they come from sirens trying to flip over ships so that they can feast on sailors flesh and steal their wine."

Megara, rightfully, didn't believe a single part of that sentence. Nonetheless, she could not help but look down at the siren's bobbing vibrant red head without apprehension.

"Uh…boss?" Megara cried out.

Within seconds, wisps of black smoke appeared and Hades materialized into form beside her. He was holding a map of the solar system, looking peeved. "What?" He cried peevishly. "I was just in the middle of—" But Megara stopped him with a simple downward point. Hades looked over and spotted the mermaid. "Oh crap!" Without hesitating, Hades shoved the map into Megara's arms and flew into the waters, grabbing the mermaid by the waist and hoisting her onto the cliff on which Pain, Panic and Megara stood. "Are you guys insane?!" He lambasted as he laid the siren down. "She could have drowned!"

"Mermaids can drown?" Megara asked out of disbelief.

"Duh!" Pain and Panic cried out at once.

"Well, if you guys knew that why didn't you do anything?" Megara snapped.

"We don't like mermaids." Pain explained, casting the siren whom Hades was performing CPR upon a narrow-eyed glare.

"No good dirty, thieving drunks." Panic hissed, also glaring. "They steal jobs from honest working dolphin-boys!"

Just as Megara was going to ask what the hell they were talking about, Hades unbent himself from the siren's body and the siren inhaled one large sharp gasp of life before promptly barfing a gallon of sea water all over herself. She sprawled onto her side as she gaped for air as Hades lifted his arms up victoriously, crying, "Yes! Hades rules!"

Megara, Pain and Panic applauded the God for his good Samaritan deed while the mermaid twitched and yakked painfully, life slowly bringing color to her lips and cheeks.

"W-what—what t-the…" The mermaid panted as she gradually regained her breath. Then, she flipped herself onto her backside, her breathing calmed and her blue eyes narrowed into heated slips pinned precisely onto the pink and blue demons before her. "What was that crack about mermaids being dirty, thieving drunks?"

Fear flooded into Pain and Panic's ugly little faces. "Y-you heard that?" Stammered Pain.

The mermaid growled, even lunged forward in an effort to attack them but they being land creatures had the upper hand and were able to flee a good several paces before she was able to even sit up properly. Seeing they were too far away to assault, the mermaid's rage was subdued and she turned her attention to the God who saved her life.

"I cannot thank you enough, o' kind and quick-witted Hades." She said, grabbing him gratefully by the elbows.

"Don't sweat it, toots." Hades replied, pulling his arms back to his sides because the young siren's touch made him feel uneasy.

"I couldn't if I wanted to. Sirens, alas, are born without sweat glands." The mermaid informed with a small smile.

"Makes sense." Hades replied. "Siren—"

"Ariel."

"Ariel, I gotta ask, how the hell did you get sucked into my River Lethe?" Hades inquired, perplexed. "I mean, you got the worst sense of direction in the entire cosmos or…"

Ariel the siren laughed. "No, while I am afraid that I was not prepared for the mighty river currents…"

"Which, hi, sorry I'm not trying to interrupt, but mermaids can't control waters, correct?" Megara interjected.

"Correct."

"Fucking fake news…" Megara whispered to herself.

"While I was not prepare for the intensity of the underworld's waters, I did come here on purpose." Ariel finished, speaking solely to Hades at this point.

Hades scoffed. "Why on Gaia's green earth would you do that?"

"Because," Ariel began with a mischievous smile, "I hear you like making deals."


End file.
